The Great Regression

zoe sitting up all by herself...for 20 secs. 

4 months and 1 week old 

my little zoezoe is already 4 months--well, actually, 4 months and 1 week now.  i used to wonder why parents always did that, counted months, week, and even days.  i get it now.  babies change SO much week to week (sometimes by day).  last week, she started to scoot on her belly as she pushed off of our hands.  THIS week, she can scoot backwards on her belly all by herself!  oh nbd, but actually it IS a big deal [to us] :)

ten things:

1.  so the 4 month sleep regression is real and i believe we are in the thick of it.  she has shorter sleep times and theres a period during the night where she wakes up and doesn't go back to sleep for a couple hours, once 3!!!  we are surviving.
2. under eye dark circles.  i hate you so much.  the ysl concealer is my best friend.  tho it does claim that its "8 hours of sleep" in a stick.  LIES. but its still my best friend.
3.  sleep regression AND teething? yes and yes.  poor baby is going through both at the same time.  even though jake and i have been doing our best to sleep train, its been really difficult to let zoe cry it out when we know she's actually in pain.  we started using Hyland's teething tablets and they seem to help.  teeth already????? didn't she just get here?
4.  we're going to hawaii this week and we're both super excited and terrified about traveling with zoe.  oh well, hawaiiiiii here we come!
5.  the initial guilt i had for letting zoe watch tv with me has gone away.  completely.  i just cover her eyes when a commercial for the real housewives of anywhere comes on. scaaaaary.
6.  i realized that after having zoe, jake and i say things in doubles when we're around her.  first with her name, zoezoe, and mama, dada, nightnight, but then we started calling darra, dardar.  soon we started calling her diaper, diapdiap.  does everyone do this?
7.  halloween is almost here!!! we went to target to buy some decos and of course, i wanted to get the  "cute scary" things and jake was opposed to that, but he eventually caved and let me get a halloween themed wreath, but he got a life-size skeleton thats hanging out in front.

when i was a kid, we had "holyween" at church where everyone would come dressed in costumes and got candy and played games, but didn't celebrate halloween.  even tho we totally did.  do churches still call it that?  i think pcc has some sort of celebration where kids come dressed up, but not sure what they call it.  our school calls the halloween parade, "fall parade" so all students can not celebrate  halloween together.  even tho they bring goody bags with jackolantern designs filled with candy for their classmates.  halloween is an interesting cultural holiday.

the past couple years jake and i stayed home (where the hell would we go anyway :)) and gave out candy and had so much fun seeing the different costumes kids came in.  some kids, like middle school age, came around twice and i called them on it.  oops.  i did it with a smile obvi.

one last story about halloween.  when jake and i were first dating, about a month in, his friend invited my girlfriends and i to a "mansion party on rodeo."  so of course we obliged, who wouldn't?? a party on rodeo?? yes, please.  so we all dressed in tastefully slutty costumes and went to meet jake and his friends.  we're on our way to this mansion and we all realized that were traveling in the opposite direction of beverly hills...even jake was confused.  we get to this janky house in the hood in our now questionable costumes and realize that this "mansion party on rodeo" was actually a ghetto house party on RODEO (like "yeehaw") in inglewood.  YAS!!!  awwwwwww that was 11 years ago.

8.  im nearly done with felicity on hulu.  damn, that show is good.
9.  our house is slowly turning into zoe's house and im cool with that, but this has resulted in jake and i being on a furniture buying craze.  we realized that our house isn't that baby friendly and since zoe looks like shes gonna be crawling soon, we're going to have to say adieu to a few pieces of furniture for a while. like our bertoias that we love, laterzzzz and our eames loungers with sharp metal feet, sorrrrrrry.  so we just HAD to buy two new leather arm chairs. heeeee photos will be posted on insta.
10.  postpartum hair loss! anyone up for giving me a good weave?

looking forward to month 5 w my zoezoe :)

some photos from the past month***

me n zoe

:)

jake n the girls

#morningswithzoe

at pa's pumpkin patch

at her 4 month appt

zoe and my granny

rare smile sighting in the car

licking and biting everything in sight

she may or may not be watching kathy lee and hoda on today

@@

=D

come on, ride the [sleep] train.

16 weeks

after rolling over 3 times, tired and over it. 

OR its me constantly shoving my phone in front of 

her face to take photos of her crying =D

first, this post is not one to encourage or discourage sleep training, its just about my experience with it.

ok, so, sleep training has been the most emotionally and mentally difficult thing i've experienced so far.  actually, the worst was when i thought zoe wasn't getting enough to eat and was wasting away. but obvi that wasn't true, cue the extra large double chin.

i actually decided to sleep train after about 3 consecutive sleepless nights.  i think she was going through some sort of growth spurt, who knows.  i had thought about moving her out at 3 month and i sort of wanted to stick to that...even though i was already a couple weeks late, oh well.  i actually don't know why i gave myself that type of timeline, but i did, and i wanted to at least attempt to keep it.  

after consulting with friends, more like asking a million questions, discussing every possible scenario, and almost wanting them to tell me not to do it yet (which they didn't, it was the opposite), jake and i decided to start sleep training last friday.  

night one-

jake and i do her normal nighttime routine, zip her up in her zipadeezip (LOVE THIS THING), and then take her to her room.  already, im starting to feel A LOT of anxiety.  i ask jake to pray for zoe, but really for me bc zoe didn't know what the hell was going on. we put her in her crib and then we walked out.  she was quiet at first, probably from the confusion. and then it started.  the crying, actually screaming.  of course i did what everyone advised me not to do, i sat in front of the monitor watching my baby scream for her mama. after about 20 minutes, i was in fetal position crying and telling jake that it was too hard (hahaha i guess i was a little dramatic, but it was painful!!!).  i said i was going to go get her at the hour mark and she ended up falling asleep at the 55 minute mark.  she woke up after almost 6 hours (!!!!!!!), which is the longest stretch of sleep she's ever had.  when i went in to feed her, her zippy was still damp and her sheets were as well.  even though she probably had the best sleep of her life, i still felt sad.  she woke up one more time that night.

the next morning, she looked more mature, like she had gone through something and came out alive. and i SWEAR, she was mad at me. she was all smiles at jake and wouldn't have eye contact with me!!!  like the last thing she remembers from the night before was my boob leaving her mouth and then PURE ABANDONMENT.  

i felt the same way on the second night and the third and the fourth (days too, bc i was training her naps too. the horror).  i think by the fifth night, i felt less sad, but the cries still hurt.  there was one night we actually did sort of cave.  its because she started to roll over in her sleep and zoe wasn't used to being on her stomach, but hadn't figured out how to roll back the other way (she can do it now!!!).  there were extra cries that night and jake and i both couldn't take it.  

its been over a week since we started training her.  i read and friends have said that it takes 3-5 days, some a week to get used to sleep training.  i asked a friend if its normal for zoe to still be screaming bloody murder every time she goes down and the long and short of it is, yes, its normal.  i guess i have to know that each baby has their version of normal and each mama has one too.  

tonight, we put her down and she played in her crib for almost half an hour, let out a couple squeaks and then fell asleep.  its working.  i am so proud of her.  she doesn't hate me for this.  but if its not this easy tomorrow, its okay.  

am i happy i sleep trained (still training)? yes, absolutely.  

was it really as hard as people say?  even harder. 

have i cooked for the first time since i made instant ramen while i was pregnant bc zoe has an early sleep time? YES!!!  #progress 

a couple product reviews:

Baby Merlin's Magic Sleep Suit-

as i posted on IG, zoe fell asleep in this suit really quickly and looked freaking amazing, but she woke up and was drenched in sweat (even though our AC was on freezing status)  so we had to take her out of it and put her in her Zipadeezip.  

Zipadeezip-

i bought the zippy because i wanted to transition zoe out of her swaddle.  she loved and hated being in the swaddle.  it calmed her down and put her to sleep really well, but would bust out of it all the time.  the days leading up to sleep training, she busted out of it every hour and woke up crying. zoe's reflexes are still really strong and she's just a really active baby.  the zippy gives zoe space to move around, but enough restriction so she can't punch herself in the face.  when we zip her up, she smiles! we all love this product.  i bought 2 more heeeee

my best friend, the baby monitor

zoe in her modified zippy.  i tied off the arms for more restriction.

worked really well until she started to roll over.  

i took off the ties now, she adjusted well.

her new zippy :)

lots of tummy time during the day 

so she can get more comfy on her belly at night

having fun rolling onto her back

one side of her face is always swollen 

in the morning from sleeping on it all night

a lot of our day is spent like this.

always two fingers. at her first bike race. 

in her big girl seat. 

the more toys the better.

evening walk to the market.

tres leches, i mean, meses.

t-shirts from sweet threads in LB.

had to.

we're wearing these for zoe's 100 days celebration.  

AND taking photos in them. 

we are those people. i love being those people. 

wow.  its cooling down, only 81 degrees today.  holy shitballs, i know everyone has talked about the heat this summer, but dayam, it's been hot HOT.  zoe is a fireball (in more ways than one); jake said its her russian blood that makes her so hot all the time.  can someone out there confirm this theory?

zoe is 3 months old and almost 100 days old.

ten things:

1.  she's only been around for 3 months?  feels like i've known and loved her for so much longer.  the
2.  SHE ROLLED OVER.  she did it several times in one day, then once the next day, and now doesn't want to do it anymore.  she's over it already.  but she did it.
3.  i know (hope) this was just a random happening, but we didn't bathe her for one day and a tiny bug crawled out from under her neck.  this is not a lie.
4.  as y'all are probably aware of this by now... i love watching tv, esp in marathon mode.  i'm in the 3rd season of felicity now and its is really progressive for a late 90s show.  total nostalgia: it reminds me so much of high school and the dreaminess (at the time) of possibly living in NY and working at dean and deluca and wearing turtleneck sweaters and tube tops.
5.  jake and i went to a local kids boutique (sweet threads in LB) and almost bought out the whole store, ok, not really, but we WANTED to.  hahah  we ended up buying some hair accessories for zoezoe, matching-esque tshirts for the family (YES!!!!!!), and a rad bacon and eggs herschel lunch box.  and after many MANY amazon, target, and all other baby crap later, i still wanna buy more crap.  i'm in trouble.
6.  baby girl started really smiling a lot.  like really gummy amazing smiles with squeals too.  still waiting for her first giggle.  its gonna be magical.
7.    i tried to meet some mommies during story time at the library, but it was hard!!! i felt so out of place and awkward.  they're not as welcoming as i hoped, but i introduced myself to a couple of them so hopefully next time they won't ignore me when i pass by them awkwardly waving after story time is over.  this didn't happen to me.  yes it did.
8.  so i told myself that at 3 months, zoe was going to move out of our room into her own room.  i get anxiety thinking about her being soooooo far away from me.  was thinking about putting one of my nursing pads in her crib.  is that creepy/gross? heeeeee
9.  zoe is almost 100 days old.  i thought i wouldn't care about it at all, but i'm really proud of her for making it 100 days.  and im really proud of us for not...well, keeping her alive and well.  100 days seems like nothing in the grand scheme of things, but its the first celebration of many for our precious zoe, so i'm excited.
10.  jake and i have been together for 11 years now.  we always go out and celebrate still, even tho we have a wedding anni now, because its still a significant date to remember.  so, a lot of people ask how we met...we met through mutual friends.  at a bar.  when i was in college.  pre dating apps and websites.  just good 'ol picking up someone at a bar.  when i was legal...per someone else's ID :))))))
this year we celebrated on the couch watching house hunters: off the grid and watching zoe on the monitor.  it was romantic.  it actually wasn't, but in the midst of infant craziness and lots of sleep deprivation, we didn't forget about the day we met and i really value that.  next year, zoe will be w grandma and grandpa and we'll be in cancun or anywhere else. =D

even though i only get to write in here once a month (for) now, i plan to keep up this blog for as long as i can, so thanks for sticking w me!! xxoo

lots of photos from this past month :)

zoezoe asleep.  is this hat not the best???

one of jake's fave things to do

big girl

overstimulation

came home and found these two like this in the bedroom 

@@

zoe and her best friend, gigi the dirty giraffe.  

jake made up that name and i told him that 

"gigi" meant "dirty" in korean, but we kept the name anyway

zoe's new headband to match her big head

#morningswithzoe

baby got her first library card.  

we'll have to use another address once she stacks up library fees. :)

#morningswithzoe

zoe was not amused

at her first wedding.

she was over taking photos

second the best

is it week 35/52? i dont even know.

zoe at 2 months flashing a smile. 

love her.

jake and i have kept zoe alive for the second month now...we are very proud of ourselves.  month 2 has been friggin amazing.

after my last post, a month ago, i told myself that i would write at least once a week to chronicle all of the amazing things zoe does week to week.  well, obvi, that didn't happen.  oh well. YAY two months!!!

ten things:

1.  zoe started smiling on purpose and jake and i die a little inside every time she does it.  i can't imagine how much we're going to flip out when she starts laughing out loud.  

2.  she coos.  like the best, cutest, little coos anyone has every heard in their entire life.  

3.  i have completed friday night lights for the 5th time and am watching parenthood again.  its still good, really good.  nursing=netflix binge watching sessions

4.   zoe has the gnarliest explosive poop diapers when jake goes to work. 

5.  zoe's poo got in my hair and i didn't shower for 36 hours after that.  my bun felt extra tacky in the shower. 

6.  we're sleeping!! i mean, not a lot, but sleep is sleep. and i am very thankful.

7.  i get why people with infants do playdates.  its takes a lot of effort to get out the door, but talking to other adults during the day is pretty awesome. 

8.  sooooo is anyone available for a playdate? like everyday?

9.  i fit into ONE pair of my stretchiest jeans.  big win, but i get scared that the button will pop or the ass will rip when i wear them in public.  its still worth it to get out of my leggings and running shorts. 

10.  already looking forward to zoe's 100 day celebration.  excited for more smiles and more sleep. 

can i just take a moment to talk about the show, parenthood???  i mentioned the show in a previous post and i said that the show deserved its own post, but i figured it could share the spotlight with this one.

like fnl, i caught onto parenthood after the show was over, but like fnl, i became completely obsessed with it.  jake and i both referred to the show regularly in our everyday conversation and we both agree that he IS zeke braverman, except that he is not a 70+ year old grandpa.  i love how the show depicts family in a real, but non cynical way, which makes it easy to watch, but not cheesy.  

during the entire series, there are a lot of references to how amazing and terrible it is to have daughters.  they're thoughtful, dramatic, have boyfriends...lots of boyfriends, and after what seems like a lifetime of crazy episodes, they become the most loving, strong, responsible women.  

hey zoe, we want you to be all those things.  the bad and good.  ok, honestly, not TOO bad, but yah. 

i can't wait to go through life with this kid. 

ok, for real.  playdate anyone???

tolerating the swing now! YASSS!!!

mornings w mama and papa

sleepover at our house w baby ellery

:)

hanging out w cousin xander

STOKED that graham came to visit

me n zoe

<3

zoe ann zeitlin

zoe, minutes old.

she looks so different now!

lost count of the 52 weeks photos, will update that later.

HELLO!  HI!  i'm still here!!!  anyone out there?

zoe is already (almost) one month old.  i had plans, great plans, to write an epic blogpost right after giving birth, but yeaaaaaaa...its taken a month to feel like i can do anything aside from baby stuff.   

10 thoughts that happen daily, not necessarily in the following order:

1.  what time did i feed her?

2.  did she poo today?

3.  YAS! she's asleep!!!

4.  why is she sleeping so long?

5.  is she breathing? is she dead? i'm gonna go check.

6.  (after putting my finger under her nose, zoe starts stirring) SHIT, she's waking up.

7.  its time to feed her again.

8.  i love her so much.  

9.  she's so cute, she's perfect, i love her so, so much.

10. was that a fart or did she poo?

zoe's birth story

i was really proud of myself and kind of amazed at how my body was able to finish off the school year on June 5th.  i was SURE that once my brain knew school was done, zoe would come out the next day.  so i waited for her that night and the following day.  

days passed.  i was getting anxious.  and bigger.  still bigger. 

zoe's actual due date was the 11th, but ever since our 3 month check up, we were told that she measured bigger so we were really expecting her around the 7th.  the 7th came and went and i started bouncing on my exercise ball like it was my job.  

on the morning of the 11th, my water broke, but i didn't know.  i expected a gush of water or at least a continuous dribble of water, but that didn't happen.  ill spare a few details because its kind of gross... 

in any case, my water broke.  and the water was GREEN.  wtf??? of course i looked it up online and all the sites i went to said that the baby took a dump in my womb and i have to get her out as soon as possible.  um ok.  

jake and i get to kaiser and just as i was admitted into triage, i felt the gush and the water was now a sewer green color.  yum.  the dr. says that baby is almost ready to come out, but i'm still only 1-1.5 cm dilated.  i let them know that i wanted a drug-free birth and everyone kept saying "anything you want!"  i felt good about it all.

when i got to labor and delivery, the contractions started happening.  when i first got pregnant i was fascinated by morning sickness and i kinda welcomed it because it was an indication that my pregnancy was progressing.  i felt the same way about my contractions.  after about 3 hours of mild/med contractions, the dr checked me and she said, "soooo you're still at 1.5 cm."  WHAT.  she asked if i wanted to get the epi.  i said no.  the contractions started to really kick in and i started to focus on my breathing, i wasn't as intrigued by the contractions any more.  a few more hours passed and she checked me again.  by this time, the contractions were pretty painful.  SURELY i was at least 5 cm.  no, 3 cm.  dr asked about the epi.  i said no.  then the contractions started coming really quickly, some only 30 seconds apart.  by the time the dr. came back to check me,  the pain was blinding.  i couldn't speak and my gown was drenched in sweat.  they kept asking me what my pain level was 1-10.  it was definitely a 10, maybe 11, but i didn't want to admit that i had reached my max pain level.  at that point, the dr said that i was 5cm.  again, the epidural was offered.  this time, when she asked, i nodded yes.  

i kind of felt like i caved and though i was in the most intense pain, i still had some thoughts of disappointment.  the dr let me know that bc the baby's head had been ready to pop out since i was at 1 cm, her head/body weight had been pushing on all of my nerves and so my pain level was a lot higher than normal labor.  im not sure if she said that to make me feel like less of a failure or if it was really true, but that made me feel better.  the anesthesiologist came in within 10 minutes and administered the epidural.  i smiled at him and then it was all over.  the pain was gone and my toes were tingly within a couple minutes.  he ASSURED me that i felt labor and that i had done a really great job and that my baby was really proud of me.  i felt relief, both physically and emotionally.  

after 3-4 hours, i started pushing.  i pushed for an hour and then our lives changed forever.  

zoe was born on June 12 at 5:25 am.  she has really large hands and feet and the most amazing facial expressions.  her long arms and legs barely fit into a 3 month onesie.  she is the spitting image of her daddy and i love that so, so much.  

the days after she was born i was in the hospital for a few extra days bc of various reasons, but we finally brought her home 4 days after she was born.

the days/nights/weeks have been a blur.  the sleep deprivation is no joke.  but our krewcrew is complete and zoe has rocked our world in a way we couldn't even imagine.  

hormones fully kicked in after having zoe.  i cry while nursing her because i'm so grateful for her.  i'm crying again now watching "the best man: holiday."  to be honest, i've cried watching this before.  its SO good.  i have great taste in movies. 

we are so in love with our little zoe.  we can't wait for everyone to meet our little bug.

shit, she just woke up.  :)

she often looks surprised/confused

totally obsessed w the baby monitor. its like big brother. 

we use this blanket a lot. 

that raised eyebrow tho.  

this was right after we brought her home. 

i think she was unsure of the living conditions.

the most delicious toes. 

a tanning sesh bc of jaundice.  notice her feet.  

she's grown into them quite a bit since, but LOOK AT THOSE BABIES!

swoon. 

trying things. she didn't really appreciate the headband.

the "we didn't wash our face or brush our teeth, but lets try to step out even if its just to ihop" victory selfie.